I Know How You Feel
by samsolace
Summary: First Day, Second Year:  Merek.  The first forty eight hour shift of the second year.  The storyline comes off exactly from where we left off in the S3 finale.  Told in scenes.  Complete.  Shonda's U, not my usual AU. Whole cast.
1. Chapter 1

_**First Day, Second Year: This is probably going to be a rather dark and twisty view of the first 48 hour shift of the second year. I'm writing it because I've had it in my head all summer and I can't seem to clear it. It just feels like it wants to be told. I will finish this story before the S4 opener.  
**_

_**Rated PG13 for language**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 1**

**Scene 1**

Cristina and Meredith walked in together. They didn't chatter or snark as they had so many times before. Instead, their faces reflected a grim determination to get through it with an endurance of spirit that could handle anything, no matter what.

They were surgeons; women, hard core, tough, fighters. As they crossed the lobby, Cristina faltered once at the sight of a flowered scrub cap, but was bolstered by a light surreptitious touch of support on the wrist from her best friend. No one but Mer had noticed, she knew – and Mer didn't count as a critic. She could be relied upon to support Cristina with no judgment. Both women roiled and seethed indefinably underneath it all, though they put on a good show.

"Double take, double take, walk into the wall, trip over feet," Meredith finally murmured beneath her breath as they approached the main elevators, so only Cristina could hear.

"I feel like a trip to snark city," Mer added.

"Raised eyebrows (at least mine are growing back), finger pointing times two, make that three, open mouths times four," Cristina sarcastically raised the bid.

Her hair was standing out from her head in wild snarls that she hadn't bothered to tame. It suited her mood.

"That one is actually fanning herself, and that one is backing away like we're contagious. I win," said Meredith.

"No, the dunderhead from accounting is laughing. I win," declared Cristina stabbing their floor with a sharp finger.

They got to the dressing rooms early, at a quarter to four in the morning. Even so, they were not the first ones to arrive. Yang was avidly examined for signs of wear and tear. The few, scattered second and third years immediately gossiped in not so hushed tones. Many were pleased that the Stanford hotshot had gotten her comeuppance, others were curious to see the freak who'd been left at the altar, others were merely uncomfortable in her presence. Grey gave the backbiters Ellis Grey's patented stare – cold, blank, supercilious – to stop their wagging tongues. Did what seethed deep in her eyes have an element of violence to it? The other residents certainly seemed to think so.

"Cowards," Meredith said softly.

"Why, Mer, you're downright scary," Cristina was darkly amused.

"Chalk it up to Ellis on my shoulder," Meredith said with an inflection learned at her mother's knee.

The women silently, with synchronous movements, unpacked their bags into their lockers and systematically dressed as they had hundreds of times before, in light blue scrubs, the color of freedom, and crisp white lab coats. Each doctor checked her equipment, piece by piece, and clipped it on, pocketed it or draped it. They were ready – at least, they were as ready as they'd ever be. They exchanged bolstering glances, and both sucked in air in a suddenly airless space.

"I can do this," Cristina affirmed, looking into Meredith's eyes.

"You can do this," Meredith answered firmly in return, "And so can I."

They went to find Dr. Bailey.


	2. Chapter 2

_First Day, Second Year: How does Bailey feel?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy._

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 1  
Scene 2**

Dr. Bailey, after four intense years of hard work and outstanding service had been robbed. Chief Resident had been awarded to Callie O'Malley instead of Bailey. She was hurt, terribly hurt. She also deeply resented being passed over for CR, especially as she knew deep inside, she'd done twice as much work and service as any other resident, maybe three times as much as O'Malley. Plus, she had the added distinction of never having lived in the bowels of the hospital like an insane, homeless person. She certainly had never had an affair with a student, an intern – let alone married one in a clandestine ceremony in Vegas. Humph.

Then Bailey thought distractedly over the past year. Grey involved with Shepherd. Yang involved with Burke. Karev killing a patient. Yang and Stevens doing an unauthorized autopsy. Grey possibly nicking a heart. O'Malley spreading syphilis to hospital personnel. Stevens involved with a patient. Stevens stealing a heart. Grey, Yang and O'Malley covering for Stevens. Stevens withdrawal from Surgical. The M&M. Yang covering for Burke's hand tremor. Grey involved with Shepherd again. Grey drowning on Bailey's watch. O'Malley involved with Torres. Karev involved with Montgomery. Her own involvement in Susan Grey's death and the subsequent M&M. O'Malley's failure of the intern exam. Yang and Grey, targets of gossip again over their love lives. She sighed resignedly.

If she added her own pregnancy and the subsequent mommy tracking that had driven her mad for months, she got why the attendings and the Chief of Surgery had lost faith in her and her work. They obviously felt she wasn't fit as a leader, in spite of all her many achievements. Defeat caused her once indomitable spirits to sag. She was now supposed to obey O'Malley, a peculiar woman who was as good a surgeon as Bailey, but who'd contributed little else to the hospital, as her boss. Her pride quailed at the ignominy. She stiffened her resolve. The other fifth years could snicker up their sleeves at her. Let them. She could do this, she told herself. She was Dr. Bailey. That hadn't changed.

She draped her stethoscope around her neck and headed out the door, determined to salvage her career. As the door swung shut behind her Grey and Yang rounded the corner, already dressed for work. Bailey checked the time and grunted. Good. They were here to face this horrible day, not just on time, but very early. They'd learned that from her. Get in, and get the tactical advantage of early intel on both patients and interns.

For the first time, as she examined their determined, grim faces, she felt a camaraderie with these two fellow female surgeons. All of them were small, supremely intelligent women who had had to prove themselves repeatedly in the good ol' boys club of surgery. They were fighters, these women – her mind flashed on Grey fighting back to life after four hours of death – maybe this year would have some good surprises after all.

She snorted.

_Good luck, O'Malley, wrangling this crew plus the fresh crop of interns. Not to mention your 'husband'. _

A less 'married' pair she'd never seen, so she snorted again.

"'Morning, Dr. Bailey. Dr. Yang and I would like to tell you how disappointed we are that you did not receive the CR," Grey said formally, "Do we report to you for assignment or O'Malley?"

"Report to O'Malley, Grey," Bailey said, withholding any bitterness from her tone, and marched down the hall.

She paused.

She looked over her shoulder at them, her beautiful, chocolate brown eyes speaking a thousand thoughts, and said, "Good luck today, Grey, Yang."

They stood in a silent, endlessly meaningful tableau for a moment and then all three stepped out.

_**Wouldn't it be cool if everyone who read this fic reviewed it? Wow! The mind boggles at the thought of all the lovely words! Yay!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 2**

**Scene 1**

O'Malley pushed up the sleeves of her lab coat and long sleeved undershirt, making herself look odd, as she organized the assignments. The residents who came to her one by one all had that surprised, skeptical look on their faces. As if she hadn't earned the promotion, yeah. As if she were the pretender who'd stolen the crown. She carefully ignored her own inner niggle inside that said she _was_ a pretender and had no right to Chief Resident.

"Dr. O'Malley, we're here for resident assignments," Grey's annoying, sweetly melodic voice said firmly.

O'Malley handed one fat file to Grey and another to Yang. Neither had congratulated her on her new position. Typical. Bitches. Then Callie remembered Yang's face on her non-wedding day as she watched Dr. Burke walk out the door, leaving her at the altar. Grey had bravely walked up the aisle alone to face the crowd and tell them the news. This was their first day back. She supposed both of them were occupied with thoughts other than who was CR. Callie could cut Yang and Grey some slack – today.

"Grey...," Callie called as Meredith turned away, "Have you spoken to George?"

"No,"

"He failed his intern exam," Callie said bluntly, and almost rudely, frowning, as was her way.

Cristina and Meredith's mouths dropped open in shock.

"He cannot transfer to Mercy West as he'd planned. He's chosen to repeat his intern year rather than join a different specialty. When the lots fell, you were the resident he's been assigned to, Grey. I thought you ought to know before you go down there."

Another resident interrupted and then another. By the time Callie had shunted them away, there was no sign of Grey or Yang. She shrugged. Callie guessed Grey would find out soon enough that Lexie Grey was an intern. Yang was her mentor, after all.

Cristina and Meredith had started back to the main floor to meet their new interns.

"Bambi failed his exam... I guess his mother got shot by the hunter, after all. Thumper didn't say anything to you?" Cristina asked in Cristina-speak.

"No, Izzie's been extra Izzie strange since I got home. She didn't even ask me about you, and you know she loves to gossip. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect she was trying to steal a heart again."

A strange look crossed both their faces and they stopped in their tracks, wondering for a second. They looked at each other.

"Nah, she couldn't be."

"Everyone still watches her like a hawk."

They shook off their disquiet over Bambi and Thumper and moved on.

Each had four protégés to shepherd this year and neither were looking forward to the added burden and responsibility in an already overfull work load. Neither enjoyed teaching and neither were particularly social with other residents outside their own small group. Both doctors felt better though, with concrete work to do.

_**Updates on this story will all be in short scenes rather than long chapters, but they'll probably be very frequent -- as close to daily as possible for me. Not promising, just saying. So far I've been updating here around midnight Central time for those of you who asked. Thank you all for reviewing.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_First Day, Second Year: Yang and Grey find out who they've been saddled with for the year._ **

**_Rated PG13 for language._ **

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy._ **

**Chapter 2**

**Scene 2**

Meredith and Cristina headed for the main station on the main floor of Surgical. Each was slightly easier than she'd been. They'd handled the locker room, Bailey, and O'Malley, without incident. Keep going. They had momentum.

They settled in comfortable rolling chairs, in front of two computer carrels, and opened their files to read. Every now and then, innocent, dumb looking sheep carrying bags of all descriptions walked by in civvies. Cristina and Meredith smiled grimly at each other and tossed opinions out as the new recruits bumbled around.

"Rotted meat."

"IQ of a gnat."

"Dirty diapers."

"Typhoid Mary."

"VD scab."

"Small dick, big ego."

"Smaller dick, huge VD scab."

"Bald."

Cristina snorted a laugh at that last from Meredith. She didn't know why, it was completely off-the-wall and nonsensical, but that insult made her laugh. The rusty sound and the second round of snarking helped. They turned back to their files. When they were done catching up on the interns, they had patient charts to read.

After skimming three files, Meredith couldn't avoid George's. She cringed as she cracked his folder. She'd thought for a moment about protesting the assignment, and complaining that she didn't want to take on George, but guilt rode her hard. She owed George. He'd gone to Webber and asked for a second chance for her on the intern test. She had a second year because George helped her get a second year. Now it was her turn to support him. Better he repeated the year with her rather than with someone else. She'd have to find out what his weak areas were on his intern exam and and make sure they became his strong areas. She and George would have to brainstorm on all the ways he could increase his test taking skills and material retention. She was so wrapped up in George's file that she didn't notice Cristina's choking cough and horror struck look.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it. This cannot be happening. No one is _that _insensitive. No one would be _that _stupid. Apparently this 'Lexie' is. Oh, Meredith, I'm so sorry. What the hell kind of name was 'Lexie' any way? Isn't that what we called Alex and Izzie when they were an item?! A made up, stupid name? Did they have spawn when no one was looking? Ew. That was a disgusting thought._

"Meredith," Cristina ventured, having learned from horrible experience that it wasn't wise to procrastinate when she needed to tell Meredith something, "one of the interns assigned to me is a 'Lexie Grey'. Didn't you once rant that your father had a daughter in med school? Isn't her name 'Lexie Grey'?"

Meredith stared blankly at Cristina.

_What? What did she say? This couldn't be happening. Doesn't my life suck enough? Apparently not. The authors of the universe just raised the stakes _again. _Misery in my life wasn't heaped high enough. I needed an extra portion. Of course I did. Three deaths in a couple weeks (including my own – hello) wasn't enough sheer pain and angst obviously._

"I don't have a father," was all she said.

"Meredith, Lexie Grey is an intern in this hospital. My intern. You can't avoid this. Neither can I. I will have to deal with Baby Spice every day for the next year. My life didn't suck enough."

_My thought exactly. I'm not avoiding. I'm telling the truth. Ask Thatcher Grey._

"I have no father. Therefore, someone with the same last name is nothing more than a coincidence. Wannabe isn't related to Ellis Grey, my mother. Wannabe has nothing to do with me. Period."

Cristina stared at Meredith.

_What the hell?_

Cristina looked out the rain spotted windows looking for pyramids.

_Surely, with all this denial they'd be close by._

Her heart skipped a beat as she caught sight of a tall, muscular man in a flowered scrub cap walking down the hallway. She sat up and suddenly wished she'd taken care with her hair this morning. She'd planned out exactly what to say to him. She knew the words by heart. She'd even made Meredith listen to them three times. Disappointment and relief both flooded her system when the man turned out to be Dr. Cooper, not Dr. Burke.

_Thank heavens, damn it._


	5. Chapter 5

_**First Day, Second Year: George and Lexie**_

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy._**

****

**  
Chapter 2**

**Scene 3**

George O'Malley didn't bother coming in early. Why should he? He was a lousy first year again, bottom of the food chain, a nothing, a nobody, a grunt. His gut clenched at facing the horrible year again. He'd thought about appealing to the board, asking for a second chance due to the death of his father. But then he thought of Meredith passing the damn test when not only her mom died, and step mom died, but _she_ died. And she'd taken the test right after being publicly denied by her father. So what if she'd delayed a few hours? She'd done it. Izzie, too, had passed. She'd lost a fiance and been suspended. Plus, she'd been on scut and candystriping forever, but somehow she'd passed. Izzie.

George's mouth turned down and his face was set in a hard cast that was becoming a normal expression for him, completely unlike any expression his soft, pudgy Georgie face had worn before he screwed up his life by screwing Meredith... and Callie... and Izzie. This was a sour, rude, almost mean face. No one would doubt for a minute that he had an explosive temper behind that look.

George slowly, deliberately, walked to his locker and opened it. He was a surgeon; tough, hardcore, a fighter. He wasn't changing specialties. He wasn't giving up. He could jump hoops, if he had to. He was Harold O'Malley's son and that man had gone out fighting! He wouldn't disgrace his dad. He climbed into his scrubs grimly, watching all the other first years who were jittery with excitement, fumble their equipment. He felt a decade older than them, not just a year. George tried not to speculate on which resident he'd get as a boss. Please, God, don't let it be Karev! Shame and humiliation burned in his chest. He was dark and twisty inside. He thought of Meredith and Izzie, suddenly seeing their dark and twisty wounds through his own dark and twisty outlook. Oh. He flushed, embarrassed by his inane lack of understanding before. He slugged back some Maalox.

"Hi! George, right? Remember me? Lexie, Lexie Grey," the voice was cheerleader perky.

_That'll get her a swift kick in the ass from every resident here,_ George thought, _she'll get over that by 5:05 this morning, if she knows what's good for her._

He felt kind of sorry for her. She had the Grey name, but she wasn't _the_ Grey. She wasn't _the_ Grey's relation at all. She was a pretender, a false Grey, not heir to the throne, like Meredith. She was an upstart little nobody and probably didn't know it yet.

_Hm, a pretender – she apparently had something in common with Callie, strange that,_ he thought traitorously, as he remembered his gut reaction of indignation for Bailey when he saw the CR notice. He hadn't been happy for Callie, not at all. She didn't deserve the CR, Bailey did. Of course, he'd had to choke back his real feelings to congratulate his wife and stroke her huge ego. He snorted and rolled his eyes. In the ego department, Callie O'Malley could rival Burke. She also had a fragile, vulnerable side that had to be constantly pampered. Between the pampering and stroking and the worry, he was worn out. He leaned his forehead against his cold metal locker. He was tired, bone tired. Callie was still jealous of all his friends and she was especially suspicious of Izzie, rightfully so. George slowly turned to face Baby Dumbo.

"Hi, yes, it's George," he said, neutrally, staring at her in morbid fascination. Ye gods, the architects of this matrix hated Meredith. He couldn't understand why. He wistfully thought that he'd always liked her.

"It's our first day, isn't this great! I wonder who we'll get assigned to? But wait, I thought you were an older resident?" Baby smiled brightly and chattered inanely. That too would soon be gone. Lack of sleep and the fourth years would take care of it.

"I'm a first year," George half smiled at her with a ghost of the old innocent George on his face. She reminded him of a cross between Izzie and himself, when they first started.

"I'm really nervous! Wow!" said Baby Waby in a swivet, "I'm all super gung-ho to get started, aren't you?"

_How old was she? Three? Meredith wasn't born this young._ George cringed, _for heaven's sake don't start with the comparisons!_

"Uh, sure, maybe it would be a good idea if you didn't smile or speak when you meet your new boss," George tried to be merciful, but Baby Bumpkin was already off chatting up the next intern. George competently draped his stethoscope around his neck and manfully went to find out whose peon he was going to be for the next year.

_**I thank all of my great reviewers. I like having you playing in my sandbox. : )  
**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**First Day, Second Year: Assignments**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 2**

**Scene 4**

Stevens and Karev joined Yang and Grey at the station, each holding fat folders full of other folders. They all nodded and were silent a moment.

Then Karev said, "You good?" to Cristina.

She looked up and everyone wondered if she would annihilate him, but after looking at his face, and seeing that he was really asking, not taunting, she said, "Yeah, I'm good."

"Good," he said, and opened his first folder, ignoring her.

His normal Karev attitude helped stabilize a crumbling part inside her. She shifted and sighed, bolstered, as she went over the next patient chart.

Izzie asked them, "Have you heard about George? He failed the exam. He can't transfer to Mercy West. I haven't seen him in two weeks so I don't know how he is."

"We heard. He's been assigned to me," Meredith waved a folder.

"Really? Wow, so he decided to come back here rather than change specialties... That's... good," Izzie was being odd enough that they all looked up. Meredith and Cristina exchanged the question mark look again. What was up with her? "I wasn't sure what he'd do... It's good he's here... with us... with you, Mer. That's good."

"So, Tinkerbell, should we all get our alibis ready ahead of time, this time or what?" Cristina snarked.

"What?" Izzie said to all her friends identical expressions, "What??!"

"You're going nutso again, Izzie, that's what," Alex said bluntly, "Whatever it is, don't."

He went to stand against the far counter, well away from Izzie fallout, just as Callie O'Malley bustled around the corner. She made her way to the first year's locker room and started calling out assignments. Interns came running as she called their names. Group after group was assigned until half was done. George's gut unclenched when he heard Karev's name called and he realized he'd avoided that bullet. O'Malley ran through another list and hesitated for a microsecond over the last name.

"... O'Malley! You're all with Dr. Grey. She's by the main desk, right there."

_Meredith. I've been assigned to Meredith. _

Relief flooded George so intensely he felt dizzy.

"Wow! Dr. Grey is my sister! You got assigned to my sister! I...,"

Baby's perky, nails on chalkboard voice petered out as she realized George had run out ahead of the others with a look of concentration and determination on his face.

Lexie Grey heard her own name called and fumbled trying to get her tight lab coat on and stuff her pockets. She hadn't heard who she was with and had to wait for the intense lady doctor to pause to ask for her assignment again.

"Not a good start, Grey, pay attention! Yang! You're with Dr. Yang, and you're already late! What are you doing still standing here? Move!" Callie was merciless, out of patience with the whole mess. The administrative, paperwork aspect of CR was something she'd never considered.

Lexie, still struggling with her coat, finally arrived in front of Dr. Yang, who didn't bother looking up, "Nice of you to join us, Cindy Lou Who! You're late! Flopsie, Mopsie, and Peter Cottontail were on time. Don't be late again."

The other interns looked left left at Cindy Lou Who without turning their heads. None of them protested the nicknames their grouchy instructor gave them, but all of them cringed at the idea that they'd be stuck with those nicknames for the next seven years.

"Don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, and that's not going to change," Yang delivered Bailey's speech almost verbatim.

She headed down the hall without waiting for her interns who were frantically scrambling for pagers, emergency care protocol books, and schedules. She rolled her eyes. Her group had to be the worst of the lot. Just her luck.

Minutes earlier, Meredith, on the other side of the station, waited for her group, unsmilingly. They'd headed to her at a half run, half walk, fired by George, who led the way. They clustered around her, expectantly.

"Glad to have you, Dr. O'Malley," Meredith said.

The other interns looked on jealously.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey," George nodded in acknowledgment of everything Meredith didn't say out loud.

"Dr. Grey, pardon me, any relation to Dr. Ellis Grey of the Grey laproscopic technique?" asked one eager beaver.

Meredith and George exchange a glance.

"Yes, Ellis Grey is my mother. Shall we proceed?" Meredith was all business.

_**Please review, everyone. Thank you.  
**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**First Day, Second Year: Meredith and Derek**_

_**This was a very difficult chapter for me, thus the delay. They are, of course, my favorites, so what SR did to them hurt the most at the end of S3. Everything else hurt too, but they were the worst. I tried to stay with the shows Mer and Der. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 3  
Scene 1**

Meredith sighed. Now she knew why Dr. Bailey was so grumpy all the time. Interns were annoying as hell. They couldn't wipe their noses without asking her about it first. And she had to tell them the same thing a million times. If her internship had been a ring of hell, as she'd always thought, this was worse.

She walked down the hall looking for five minutes of peace _somewhere, _when a familiar voice hailed her from behind. Before she could think what to do, Derek hustled up behind her with that fast walk of his, and grabbed her arm, tugging her into a deserted stairwell. They both looked up and down the stairs to make sure they were truly alone.

"Derek... Derek! I have work...," Meredith spluttered in an avoidance panic.

"Meredith, talk to me, okay?" Derek looked at Meredith with melting dark blue eyes, "You've been gone for two weeks."

"I know, I've been with Cristina. I told you she needed me," Meredith said, slightly on the defensive, "It was bad, Derek."

"Meredith, I'm glad you went with Cristina. She needed you and we've both had two weeks apart to think. I think it was good for us. Everything that's happened these last few months has been overwhelming."

Derek's face was accepting and loving when Meredith examined it carefully.

"I missed you," she said cautiously, feeling her way.

"Oh, Mer, I missed you, too," Derek said as he leaned forward to gently kiss her. Meredith leaned up into his kiss and they held it for a long moment.

"...But," she asked.

"But, you and I have a lot of things to talk about. Meredith, I told you, you're it for me. You're the love of my life. I'm not going anywhere."

Derek had had two weeks to go over every aspect of his relationship with Meredith. He'd taken vacation time too, and spent his time fishing the beautiful trout streams on his property. Fishing gave a man a lot of time to think.

With a little time and distance Derek had been able to see some of the flaws that were hurting both of them. They didn't talk. They were isolated. Even together, they were each alone. It wasn't just Meredith who didn't talk. It was him too. Derek got that now.

Firstly, he'd told Meredith that he loved her, and then he'd walked out, not letting her respond. That was where the lack of communication had started in their second try. Then he'd told her he'd decided for her that Finn was the better guy, and had walked out on her, when she lay ill in the hospital, at the worst possible moment. What had he been thinking? He hadn't given her a chance to say anything then either.

When Meredith had told him in the elevator that she and Finn were over, he'd said nothing, not bothering to tell her about the horrible scene he'd just endured with Addison. He knew it had hurt her when he'd said nothing in response, giving her mixed signals, blowing hot and cold without explanation.

She'd given up Finn and had chosen him, as he'd originally asked, but then he didn't commit. He'd avoided her for a week, and then told her he needed space. He'd run to the woods with six other guys, for "space" rather than talk to Mer about what was important to him. That had hurt her too.

Even after he and Meredith were back together "starting over", "getting to know me" he'd withheld the Chief race and all the problems he'd had with it. He'd never told her what her mother had said to him, that day she was lucid. He'd snapped many times at Meredith at work instead, again without explanation.

Later, he'd never discussed his feelings over being the doctor who couldn't save Ellis Grey, Meredith's mom. Nor did he ever admit to Meredith how angry and hurt he was at both her mom and her. He'd never voiced his suspicions of suicide to Meredith. He'd never discussed his post trauma feelings with her. He'd just gone to hide out in the woods and stew by himself instead of talking to her. It had hurt so much.

And then (and now Derek almost cringed at the memory) he had finally talked to Meredith – make that _at_ Meredith – after making love to her. He'd said an incredibly hurtful thing to Meredith about how he'd had to breathe for her to save her. He'd said he didn't know if he wanted to breathe for her anymore. He now realized that his words could be taken a dozen ways by a woman such as Meredith, most of them horribly bad. She'd offered to leave at that point, clearly waiting for him to say something, but he hadn't – again.

He'd taken it personally when she tried to handle Ellis' death and cremation, Susan's death and funeral, along with Thatcher's physical and verbal slaps, by herself. He'd wanted her to lean on him over her intern test also, but she hadn't. She'd said nothing and isolated herself.

But, as he stood by a stream and trout fished, he asked himself what he would do if Meredith told him she didn't want to breathe for him, essentially telling him she didn't want to be there for him, telling him that he was too much trouble. He would try to stand alone again, just as she had done. She breathed alone, without him, just like he wanted. She'd relegated him to the safe areas of her life like sex and work. She'd excluded him from the hardships because he'd said he wanted to be excluded. Then he'd pouted because he got what he wanted. He'd still been blowing hot and cold with her, but he hadn't realized it.

Then he'd done it again. He'd flirted with another girl at Joe's and had thrown that in Meredith's face, punishing her for not including him, when he'd seldom included her. She'd tried to talk to him, running along behind him, as he'd once made Addison do, when he didn't want to talk to her. She'd offered sex, the safe, good connection they had, and he'd snapped and walked away _again_.

Then there was the topper. He chose the worst time possible _again_, of course. Meredith had totally expected him to break up with her, right before her best friend's wedding. He'd told her she was the love of his life and that he was there to stay, and immediately after that he asked her to set him free. Both the hot and cold faucets were open full blast at the same time.

He didn't blame Meredith for saying nothing. At that point, with so little time, when he was cold and hot, what was she supposed to say? He knew she loved him, but he also knew that they didn't seem to have the basic trust in each other required for the simplest communication.

Derek was ready to accept responsibility for his own lack of communication, his poor timing, and his own denial and withdrawal. If Meredith was an avoider, so was he. The two weeks had let him see it. He hadn't talked to Addison either. He wanted Meredith back and he wanted that trust. He wanted them to talk and heal the mistakes, both his and hers of the past. She was the love of his life and he was willing to wait for Meredith, to do what Meredith wanted to do.

Meredith cocked her head and considered him. She'd had two weeks too. She loved Derek as the love of her life also, but she'd been waiting for him to dump her again from the moment they were back together. She may love him, but she didn't trust him. How sick was that, she thought now. Right before Cristina's non-wedding, Meredith had even told Derek how to dump her. She fully expected it. It was her life. The architect of her matrix was cruel. She was usually dumped on constantly. Why shouldn't she expect Derek to dump her again? She lived as a perpetual victim, always waiting for the other nasty shoe to drop. She'd been trained to it her whole life. She attracted it.

That had changed temporarily after she'd drowned and he'd saved her, when she'd found a measure of peace and grace in her life, but then everything went crappy again. Meredith was an avoider. It was true. But, she honestly couldn't understand why Derek wasn't able to just be happy she was alive and with him.

She hadn't trusted Derek the way she should have, the way he needed. Meredith froze and remained silent whenever she was put on the spot. She didn't really know how to communicate fully with Derek. How much was too much? How much was too little? She didn't understand what he really needed from her and she didn't know how to share her life. Add to that that she was working eighty plus hours per week and was always tired, and often cranky.

She hadn't been able to decipher Derek's needs day to day. She compensated with what she knew how to do well, and what she knew would please him – sex. That was great, but it didn't replace all the other intimacies. She felt like a failure and her self esteem was rocky, especially after her mother had gotten a hold of her.

She hadn't shared her pain and depression over her mother or anything else with Derek. She hadn't told him how tired and defeated she felt. She hadn't asked for help when she desperately needed it. And worst of all, she'd given up. She'd let herself quit at the worst possible moment. She'd put Derek last. She'd selfishly put everyone who loved her last. She'd let apathy and sadness sit in the front seats of her life. She'd given up in Elliot Bay, only a moment, but long enough to freeze her muscles and organs and drown. It was an almost unforgivable sin. She'd put Derek through utter hell and then she'd never once talked to him about it. She'd never apologized; she'd never acknowledged his pain. Her euphoria at her return had blinded her to him.

When he'd finally talked about breathing for her, she'd let hurt overwhelm her and ran away rather than actually trying to open a real conversation with Derek. Meredith hung her head and felt the sting of cowardice. Her poor self judgment caused her self esteem to sink again. She still burned with embarrassment over her so-called father's slap. Her own father had shown Derek how worthless she was. Meredith didn't feel good enough for him. She didn't know if she even believed in happy endings, especially for herself. Maybe other people could have them, but she'd never held out much hope for herself.

She was all set for the breakup with Derek (he'd told her he was thinking of another woman, after all) and then he'd done an about face and said she was the love of his life. What the hell did that mean? They were hurt and angry and in denial and unhappy. Derek hid out in the woods and flirted with other girls in bars. Meredith's own father hated her. Meredith's life was a wreck. Three deaths in two months, her own and two mothers, for heaven's sake, was the definition of a wreck. It often felt like a wreck. What was she supposed to say to Derek when he sprang true love on her in the middle of a wreck like that?

"Derek... you're it for me too," Meredith said hesitantly, "But I...,"

She twisted her hands together not really knowing what to say, as always. She felt so much, but the words... what to say? Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"You're right, we haven't talked, we don't talk," Meredith said, "I... I don't want to keep making the same mistakes with you. The pain and anger is just too much. I know I'm a disappointment. I don't want to make you miserable. That's got to be over between us."

"Honey, you're not making me miserable. You're not a disappointment! That is your mother's voice, not mine. I'm done blaming and shaming you. I accept responsibility for my own emotions. They're mine to deal with, not yours. You have your hands full with your own. Meredith, we're two rational, intelligent people who love each other. Surely, we can talk to each other?" Derek said, "Mer, I don't want to lose you. Please."

"I... we... need time and space to develop," she said, "In fact, this isn't a good time now. I have to check on my interns."

"I know. I also know you're not ready to marry me or live with me. We can go slower, talk more, talk at all... okay?" Derek needed affirmation right now. They'd talk out all the emotional details at a better time.

"So, we're together? We're okay?" asked Meredith.

"We're together. We'll be okay. We have to be," answered Derek.

_**Thank you everyone for reviewing. I really appreciate it. sam  
**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**First Day, Second Year: Izzie and George and Callie  
**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 3  
Scene 2**

Izzie's heart was terribly sore. She'd told George she did love him (she'd lied before when she said she didn't) and then he'd avoided her for the two last weeks. He hadn't even told her he failed the intern exam. She'd had to find out from the rumor mill. Callie had boasted at the non-wedding that she and George were trying for a baby. Was that true? How could he? He loved her, she knew he did. She knew it with a craziness equal only to cutting the LVAD wire.

She rounded a corner and there he was suddenly, climbing the stairs as she descended.

"George!" she hissed.

"Not now, Izzie," George hissed back and tried to circle around her.

She stepped in his way deliberately.

"George! You're avoiding me. You didn't even tell me about failing the intern test."

"Izzie, I have work to do. Please get out of my way," George said determinedly.

"George, I tell you I love you and you say nothing! You say nothing for two weeks! You have to say something, George," Izzie had a desperate, crazy edge to her voice. George looked warily at her, he'd heard that sound once before. He was beginning to believe Izzie had an obsessional disorder.

"Izzie, there's nothing to say. We made a mistake. I'm a married man! Don't you get it that we can't see each other again!" George's jaw clenched.

"George, we didn't make a mistake. The mistake was you marrying that dumpy ortho chick! She's horrible. What were you thinking, George?" Izzie demanded.

"Izzie, our friendship is over. Anything between us is over. I've been a fool. If I had paid as much attention to my career as to sleeping with Olivia and Meredith and Callie and you, I wouldn't now be faced with repeating my intern year," George said bitterly, "I'm not going to make the same mistakes again. I am an intern. I have to put my attention there. I'm a married man. I don't believe in divorce. Leave me alone," George pushed past Izzie and stormed up the stairs.

"George!" Izzie cried.

"George," she said again brokenly, when George ignored her and slammed through the door at the top of the stairs.

Izzie wiped tears from her eyes. She knew George loved her. He did. He'd made a mistake when he married Callie. Otherwise why would he have slept with her, Izzie, so soon after he got married? She knew what she had to do now. It was the only way. She had to break them up. She'd tell Callie that George had slept with her. George and Izzie were in love. Callie had to know. She had to let George go.

Izzie hesitated one moment when she faced again the fact that the woman she was about to confront was her boss, the new CR. Then she shook it off and decided to go for what she wanted. She was fighting for her future with a man she loved after all. Just four months ago she didn't think she'd ever have a future with a man she loved. That was worth everything. She didn't care what George said. She couldn't ever have Denny, but she could have George. She knew she was right.

Izzie headed for the main desk and the surgery board. She needed to find Callie and tell her right away. This couldn't wait. The longer the awful ortho chick had her claws in George the more likely she'd trick him into making her pregnant. It had to stop now, before that happened.

Izzie checked the board, but Callie wasn't on it. She decided it would be best to check the CR office. That's where she probably was. Izzie knocked on the door and gasped for breath when Callie hollered an abrupt 'enter'. She opened the door and stood there looking at the weird unibrow. How could George ever be attracted to that?

"What?!" demanded Torres abruptly. She was too busy to deal with Izzie Stevens right now.

"Dr. Torres, I need to speak with you. I need to speak with you about George," Izzie was trembling, but determined.

Callie shut her laptop and sat back in her chair. It creaked ominously. Her beautiful dark eyes flashed.

"What could you possibly have to say about George, Stevens?" Callie crossed her arms over her chest and glared. She didn't trust this girl and she certainly never liked her. George had the worst taste in friends.

"Dr. Torres, I... I need to tell you that I... George and I... we..."

"What, Stevens?! Spit it out," Callie's suspicions were mounting.

"George and I are in love. He and I are having an affair. He doesn't love you. You need to let him go," Izzie stated without finesse.

Her pager shrilled loudly.


	9. Chapter 9

_**First Day, Second Year: Ensemble in the Pit. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 3  
Scene 3**

Izzie and Callie stared at each other over the shrilling pager. Dr. Bailey stepped into the room with them astutely looking between the two. Izzie cringed. Dr. Bailey was one of the few people who could influence her right now.

Dr. Torres blinked and opened her mouth, but no sound emerged.

Dr. Bailey snapped at Izzie, "If that's a 911, go!"

Izzie ran, panicked at what she'd just done, as well as pumped with adrenaline over a 911 to the pit. She ran through the hospital to the corridor outside the emergency room. It was filled with bumbling, brand new interns and several second years like herself. Both Cristina and Meredith were hustling their protégés into yellow drapes. She covered her scrubs also with the ugly, yellow, impermeable ER drape and tied it off at the waist and neck, craning her neck to catch sight of George. He arrived out of breath and rapidly pulled on his drape, completely ignoring everything but work. Izzie managed to hustle close behind him.

"George," she hissed, "George! I told Callie!"

George looked over his shoulder and said, "What?! What did you say? You told Callie what?!"

Cristina snapped, "Everyone, move it!"

Meredith snapped, "Get going!"

Her group ran into the Pit.

"George! Come on!" called Meredith when George just stood there like a bump on a pickle.

"I told Callie we did it!"

"George! Now!" Meredith was in full authority mode, out of patience with all her moronic interns, even George.

Everyone, including Izzie and George, rushed into the Pit. Ambulances were pulling into the bays loaded with victims of an explosion and fire in an apartment house. Meredith and her team were pushing forward to assist in unloading the victims, when a dithering figure in yellow, one of the new interns, blocked the ER bay doors.

"Get out of the way!" Meredith yelled.

"What?!" the clueless intern, a girl with brown hair, said.

"Move it! Stop blocking the ER bay doors," Meredith shouted the dummy aside trying to get to the ambulance.

The intern started stuttering an apology, but Meredith waved her hand to get her to shut up so she could hear the EMT as she explained the first victim out of her ambulance had his arm blown off. Then she rattled off his vitals and condition. George had thrown off his stall and had jumped on the next victim, a man whose face, hands, arms, and torso were badly burned. Both Meredith and George were rapping out instructions to the nurses as fast as they could while the interns basically stood back against the walls and watched. At least they were out of the way.

Meredith ordered one of them to find the arm.

"What?!" the shell shocked intern said.

"Find this man's arm! Go!" Meredith ordered, and ignored him. The intern ran towards the ambulance.

Meredith assigned several other jobs to her pack of bystanders and then pushed through the milling crowd of doctors, nurses, EMTs, and techs, to use the phone, while she wrote on a chart. The brown haired baby intern who'd blocked the doors was in her way again.

"Get out of the way!" Meredith snapped at her again.

The intern jumped back and turned. A huge smile lit her face.

"Hi! You're Meredith! You're my sister! I'm Lexie...," she stumbled to a pause when Meredith stared at her unseeingly, "...I'm Lexie... your sister!"

"I don't have a sister. Stop getting in everyone's way. Go find something useful to do," Meredith turned back to her chart and the phone.

Baby Spice stared for an instant and then her face crumbled. Dr. Yang shouted at her to get her ass in gear, but she honestly didn't know what to do.

Yang's patient needed a cardio consult so she ordered Flopsie to page Burke. She tensed, but was okay. They'd see each other again where they had the most in common. When Dr. Hart came rushing into the Pit for the consult, Yang's own heart dropped to her shoes. Where was Burke? She rapidly gave Hart the run down and began prepping the man for surgery per Hart's orders.

When Dr. Hart was about to leave, Dr. Yang asked her, "Where's Dr. Burke today? Already in surgery?"

Dr. Hart slowly turned around and stared at her, so did the three nurses and two techs.

"What?!" she said.

"Dr. Yang, Dr. Burke is no longer on staff. He quit," said Dr. Hart.


	10. Chapter 10

_**First Day, Second Year: Izzie and Bailey**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 3**

**Scene 4**

"Isobel Stevens! Come into my office, now!"

Izzie cringed at the stentorian tones from Dr. Bailey. She meekly entered the small crowded space.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

_Play it safe, Izzie, act like you don't know why she's called you in here._

"Dr. Stevens, I won't have it. Whatever imbecilic plot you've cooked up this time, forget it. Your actions four months ago nearly destroyed your career and harmed at least eight others," Bailey sat behind her desk like a queen about to order an execution.

"Dr. Bailey, I..."

"Oh no, I don't want to hear it. You have _no right_, Stevens, to arrange people's lives to suit yourself! _Haven't you learned anything?!_ How selfish are you?! Oh yes! I know! I heard you tell _your boss _you've slept with her husband! Are you drunk or just plain stupid?!" Bailey had steam coming out her ears.

"Dr. Bailey, I love..." Izzie had tears in her big brown eyes when she tried to explain herself.

"NO! Absolutely not! We all had to hear this before, when you made the disastrous decision to criminally cut Denny Duquette's LVAD wire. Your personal feelings of love do not excuse your behavior. You are a physician, Stevens! You _have_ to take responsibility for your own emotional health. You _must _learn to consider your words and actions wisely and well, before you open your mouth or take one step!" Bailey leaned forward and glared.

"George O'Malley is a newlywed – a married man! He's also an intern who failed his intern exam, in large part due to all the terrible personal trauma he's had to endure over the last year, not the least of which was your unbelievable scandal, and the grief afterwards! Why are you sabotaging him? He has told me that he wants nothing to do with you and that you are, in effect, stalking him. You're the reason he was trying to transfer to Mercy West. He wants his wife, Stevens, and he wants to pass his intern year. Leave him alone! Think of someone besides yourself for once!"

"Dr. Bailey, I... I am thinking of George. He loves _me_, not _her_. I know he does," Izzie tried to convince herself as much as Bailey.

"Izzie Stevens! Open your ears! George told me he wants his wife! What twisted part of you chooses to 'love' impossible, unavailable men, like a heart transplant patient on the verge of death, or a newly wed intern, your best friend, whose dad just died? Any emotion that causes you to behave as selfishly as you have in both cases isn't love, Stevens! It is some kind of sickness – self absorbed obsession, if you ask me."

Bailey sat back in her chair, suddenly exhausted from the tongue lashing she'd just administered. She studied Izzie, but couldn't tell if she'd made an impact. All right then!

"Izzie Stevens, I have one more thing to say to you. If you pursue this, if you disrupt George's second try, if you stalk him, if you continue to exhibit this continuing sickness, I will take whatever action I can against you. I will withdraw all my support for your continued residency in this program. I will do everything I can to assist Dr. Torres-O'Malley in getting rid of you. I already have a call in to your psychiatrist and your peer review council. I feel your actions demonstrate clearly that you are in fact not well yet. Now, go. And try not to cut any LVAD wires today."

Izzie stood for a moment trying to think of what to say. There was nothing. She turned, still unable to meet Bailey's eyes, and left.


	11. Chapter 11

_**First Day, Second Year: Ensemble**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 4**

**Scene 1**

Cristina reeled, but rallied as best she could, with all eyes on her. She was Cristina Yang after all. She wouldn't believe it until the Chief himself told her. Burke was gone? Gone for good? Hot/cold shivers of... something ran through her system. She was never going to see Burke again? She shivered again and sweat broke out in a sheen across her forehead. Her stomach heaved.

_Meredith. I need Meredith. Where is she?_

More easily than she ever would have thought possible, Cristina delegated her responsibilities to Flopsie, Mopsie and Peter Cottontail. (Cindy Lou Who was no where to be found again. That was a problem.) She gave up accompanying the patient into Dr. Hart's surgery without a whimper. But, of course, she did it Yang style.

"Mopsie and Cottontail, you are to accompany this patient to the surgical suite. There you will hand him over to the surgical nurses. You are not to scrub in. You are not to get in anyone's way. You are not to beg the attendings or residents. You will go to the gallery for that surgery and observe. Take notes and try to learn something.

"Flopsie, sutures. In the Pit. Now."

Cristina turned her back and left without another word, looking for Meredith.

Meredith was distractedly talking on the landline while she filled in a chart and gave instructions to an intern over her shoulder. Derek rushed up to the station and wrote notes in his own patient's chart.

"They can't find the arm. I'm missing a severed arm. Have you seen it?" Meredith asked Derek.

"Have I seen a severed arm today? No," his eyes crinkled at the corners like they did when he wanted to laugh, but knew he shouldn't.

"Grey. Yes, Dr. Grey at Seattle Grace. Please call as soon as you find it. Yes, I'll be waiting," Meredith said into the receiver and then hung up.

Derek started to say something when he was interrupted by the annoying wannabe. Meredith sighed inside. She couldn't seem to shake her. She kept popping up.

"I'm so sorry about before," she said breathlessly, all bright eyed, "Don't block the trauma bay doors. I know that now. It was just that I was so nervous about meeting you."

Derek did a double take and said before he thought it through, "You're the girl from the bar."

"Sorry?" Lexie Grey said confused.

"The girl from the bar. You're the girl from the bar," he smiled.

"Oh! Yeah! Oh my God, yeah," Lexie spouted as Meredith's puzzled expression turned into a glare.

"The girl from the bar... I'm the girl from the bar," Meredith frowned at Derek while he uncomfortably shifted and looked from Meredith to Lexie and back.

Meredith walked away without another word. Lexie slumped.

"She hates me. My sister hates me. I've been stupid every time she's seen me."

"Your sister?!" Derek asked, "Meredith is your sister?"

His insides clenched at his faux pas.

_Damn it. Didn't he and Meredith already have enough trouble?_

"Yes. My mother told me all about her. She said she was a really good person and that we had so much in common, both being doctors, you know? But, now she hates me," Lexie wailed, more to herself than to Derek.

"Meredith... Meredith needs time. Give her time," Derek dropped the chart in the slot and walked away, back towards his safe OR, shaking his head.

He passed Meredith on his way out and waved. She was huddled with Cristina Yang. The strain on Yang's face was hard to look at. Just as Derek approached the swing doors they blew open and Bailey and the Chief bustled through.

"Dr. Bailey, we need to talk! You've been avoiding me!" the Chief said.

"Talk? Talk to you about why you picked Dr. Torres-O'Malley as Chief Resident over me? No! Respectfully, sir, no. I don't want to talk to you about that," Bailey pulled on the ugly yellow ER cover up and briskly tied the strings.

Derek's eyebrows rose as he looked at the Chief. Bailey looked like she could chew nails. He wouldn't want to be anywhere in her line of fire today. The Chief rolled his eyes at Derek, looking for sympathy, as Bailey stormed away, and Dr. Yang stormed up.

"He's gone? Just like that? Without telling me?" Yang stared at the Chief, "He's not coming back, ever, is he? When were you going to tell me?"

"Dr. Yang, Burke resigned," the Chief drew a huge breath, "He's not coming back. The massive emergency in the Pit this morning precluded me having the meeting with you that I'd planned. I'm sorry you found out through the grapevine."

Cristina felt her inner fortress crumble. She reached out a hand to the one person she knew would be there. Meredith grabbed her hand and threw an arm around her shoulders, looking reproachfully at both the Chief and Shepherd. She quickly hustled her friend out of sight, away from prying eyes into the relative safety of the women's restroom. Meredith locked the door.

"I'm sorry, Cristina. So sorry," Meredith murmured.

"Yeah, so am I," tears glistened in Cristina's eyes but they didn't fall.

She sucked it up, the way she used to tell Mer to do. A tear trickled down Meredith's face instead.


	12. Chapter 12

**First Day, Second Year: Izzie**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 4  
Scene 2**

Izzie Stevens burned. The tongue lashing from Bailey was like hot Thai food – the longer she chewed on it the hotter it got. She ignored the flames of humiliation as best she could.

She led her troupe of interns through the hospital, smiling pleasantly and explaining procedures at the labs, in the Pit, and at the MRI and CT scanners. She talked about what food was best in the cafeteria and what was awful. She explained how to stay on the nurses' and techs' good sides and how to fill out all the charts and paperwork. She talked about getting in on surgeries and which attendings and residents were most likely to give them a chance. She gave a hundred details that would make their lives easier. She taught them everything she wished someone had taught her the first day and she did it well. Izzie was actually an amazing teacher. She assigned each intern carefully and gave each one a chance to ask questions or make comments.

When she was sure they were on track she headed for the intern locker room to find George. She had to talk to him. The flames in her gut made her doubt herself and her actions. Bailey had done her job well.

As she walked down the hall she realized she'd forgotten her cup of hot tea at the nurse's station. She retraced her steps, quietly walking up behind the interns she'd just given her best.

"I heard she freaked out, killed some guy, and got put on probation for four months. She was a candystriper, for God's sake! They say she came within an inch of being expelled from the program, and her privileges at Seattle Grace were only restored a few weeks ago," said Dr. Hunt in an oily voice.

"Great," said Dr. Haji sarcastically, "we got a dud! And that speech she gave us! What is she – a beauty pageant contestant? Going for Miss Congeniality?"

Izzie turned around and left, the flames of humiliation leaping higher in her gut. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and her shoulders drooped. That would always be the first thing anyone ever said about her, she supposed. She would live with it the rest of her life. She ached inside. She thought of George. In her opinion, George marrying Callie was the same degree of life ruinous mistake as her cutting the LVAD. Bailey just didn't understand that George's whole life was at stake not just this moment. Izzie knew it in her gut. She firmed her resolve and headed for the locker room again. She knew George had gone there for a shower and fresh clothes after a patient had vomited on him.

Izzie pushed open the locker room doors and was relieved to hear George's voice. Good, he was still here. Izzie paused a moment when she heard her name.

"... Izzie and I have not been carrying on an affair! I barely remember fragments of one drunk out of our minds encounter!" George sounded desperate.

"That's an affair, George! How could you! I may be pregnant, George! Oh my God," Izzie recognized Callie's tear filled voice. Pregnant? God, oh God.

"Callie, I never meant for it to happen. I want our marriage to work! You know I was trying to transfer to Mercy West to get away from here, really to get away from Izzie. You are my wife and I love you. Please forgive me. Please give me another chance. It'll never happen again, I swear. I've told Izzie that it is over between us. I can't help that she won't listen to me. I think she lives on some other planet half the time. You know how weird she gets. Look at the thing she did with Denny Duquette."

Izzie stood very still as the flames of humiliation licked her entire body. She felt like she was dying.

"Do you love her George, do you?!" Callie's voice was more angry than hurt now.

"I have _never _told Izzie Stevens that I love her, and if she said I did, she's lying!"

Izzie's fragile spun sugar fantasy world crumbled to nothing. She'd made her fantasy world as a survival mechanism when the love of her life died and the fear of being alone for the rest of her life overwhelmed her. She'd populated that world with Beauty and the Beast, casting herself as Belle, and George (a male friend who loved her, the closest person she had to a real love) as the Beast, a Prince Charming in disguise. All she'd thought she had to do was play the part and it would all come true, like it did for Belle. She could save George from a life with the burden of the Beast, as she viewed Callie Torres.

"Please, Callie, I love you. I need you. I want to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Izzie is crazy. Please," George begged for his marriage and his life.

"I... don't know, George. I need some time... My God," Callie sat abruptly on the bench.

Izzie had heard enough. Devastated, she turned to leave and bumped squarely into a hard chest. Alex Karev stared at her as if he'd never seen her before. He grabbed her by the hand and hauled her out of there, not caring if anyone heard them. He marched his captive to the women's rest room and knocked.

"Grey! Yang! Get out here! I need you, now!"

Izzie twisted trying to get away. The door opened and Meredith poked her head out.

"Alex, what in the world?!"

Alex shoved Izzie into the restroom and locked the door behind him.

"Izzie's gone crazy again. She screwed O'Malley and is trying to break up his marriage. She's screwing her boss' husband, for pete's sake! Now we know why she's been so squirrelly lately. Have you gone out of your tiny mind again, Izzie?!"

"Izzie, you banged Bambi? Willingly?" Yang's brow was crinkled in honest perplexity.

"Izzie..." Meredith's mouth dropped open as she shook her head in surprise, "You slept with George? After he was married?"

"Is he leaving Torres?" Cristina asked, almost relieved to have something to focus on that wasn't her own emotional debacle.

"No! Baby Boy was in there begging on his knees for Torres to give him a second chance. He told her he didn't want Izzie. She's nuts again," Alex said bluntly.

Izzie stood, burned to a crisp, at the stake of her own vanity and fantasy. She stared at the floor, saying nothing. There was nothing more to say. They'd all said it. She was nuts. George didn't love her. She'd been living in a fantasy world where true love and respect and getting over Denny existed for her. Her emotions made the pendulum swing to depression and sadness and loss again. She had burned her bridges again. This time with both George and Dr. Torres-O'Malley, her boss. It was time to call for help. Izzie pulled out her cell and called for an emergency appointment with her shrink, ignoring the others. She was going to have to climb out of another deep hole. Or was it a continuation of the first one? Her task this year seemed clear now – climb out of the hole and keep her personal life from slopping over into her work life again.


	13. Chapter 13

**First Day, Second Year: The five plus Callie and Bailey.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 4  
Scene 3**

Meredith's pager shrilled insistently, shocking everyone out of the motionless tableau they'd fallen into after Izzie clicked her cell shut.

"Izzie... you're still not alone," Meredith spoke softly, and slowly, after glancing at her pager and shutting it off, "I... think... I understand... why you turned to George. It was probably very similar to the reason I once turned to George. You've been drowning and you grabbed George as a life preserver. You're breathing air again now, Izzie. You'll make it. I know something about breathing after drowning. After a lot of help, from a lot of people, I could breathe again. The air was amazing when I finally resurfaced for a second try. Izzie, I promise you. You have your second try in your career, and one day you'll have a _real_ second try in love. You too, Cristina. I know it."

"Meredith, what's wrong with you? You aren't hopeful. Izzie is. Is this a freaky Friday thingee or what?" Cristina said irritably.

"I never thought I'd have a second chance with Derek, and then I did. And... then I drowned... I got another second chance. I even got a second chance with my mom. Do you know how rare that is? You may have noticed... I've been... more than flattened a few times," even Izzie nodded at that, while Alex and Cristina raised their brows and exchanged a 'that's the understatement of the year' look, "but I still got three second chances. If I get second chances, with my abysmal luck, then everyone does. I know it. Cristina, go steal a surgery. You'll feel better. I have to go."

Meredith unlocked the women's room and took off for the OR at an absolute flat out run. She'd stolen a few moments after the page, so she tried to make it up. Her severed arm had been found. They were going to see if they could do anything about reattachment.

In the restroom behind her, she left a stunned trio, all for different reasons. Cristina believed in herself. She decided a surgery was exactly what she needed. She left without further ado. Alex felt the words 'second chance' ring bells throughout his system. Ava. Izzie. He needed a second chance too. Izzie pictured Meredith's little blue face, breathless and still for hours. She'd been in the water anywhere from ten minutes to an hour, no one knew. She'd suffered untold miseries – until now. For the first time Meredith had spoken of the drowning, and she'd done it for Izzie and Cristina. Izzie was humbled again.

"I will have a second chance," she whispered, more to herself than to Alex.

"Me too," he replied determinedly.

They left the restroom together ignoring the stares and gossip with long practice.

"Izzie, I need to speak to you, now!" said a white faced, grim George.

"No, George, you don't. I get it. I'm sorry. I'm done."

Izzie walked away without looking back.

Alex sneered at George, "Damn, O'Malley, what the hell are you doing? Competing with Sloan for 'stud of the year'? Meredith and Izzie were like your sisters! Just ugh! Feels like a sick gross out to me."

Alex split before O'Malley could rally from the harsh verbal uppercuts. He headed in the opposite direction. He was working the burn victims with Sloan.

George stood nonplussed, the wind taken from his sails by both Izzie and Alex. A part of him looked longingly after Izzie. In spite of what he'd said to Callie he'd been flattered by the attention from an amazingly beautiful, tall, model. She'd said she loved him, fought for him, and now dropped him like a hot potato. A piece of him pouted, while another piece was deeply relieved. He _had_ to get his head screwed on right this year, damn it. He also _had_ to be a man and make his marriage and career work.

Callie came up behind him and asked, "Well, did you do it? Did you speak with that witch?"

"Yes... I guess. She's done. She apologized. I don't think she'll be a problem again," George turned mushy Geh eyes on Callie, "You'll try?"

Callie searched his face, her hard, yet striking features softening into real beauty, "I'll try."

George kissed his boss. Right there in the main corridor. He had a second chance with his wife. Thank God.

Dr. Bailey passed by without being noticed by the kissing pair. She'd heard Izzie. Good. Now, she, like Yang, needed a good surgery, to wipe the taste of bitter gall from her lips. She'd had to deal with too much of it today. There'd be no second chance at CR for her, but she didn't need one. She was Dr. Bailey.

**_I plan on finishing this story Thursday, before the S4 premiere airs. Thank you all. I've enjoyed getting all this off my chest. samsolace _**


	14. Chapter 14

**First Day, Second Year: Meredith and Derek**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Chapter 4**

**Scene 4**

Derek tiredly wiped the sweat from his face one more time. He stretched his back out and sighed. It had been a hell of a surgery – eight straight hours, since ten o'clock this morning, the second straight day on duty for Meredith. Derek threw his scrub cap in the bin and paged Meredith. Maybe they could eat dinner together and talk. He was hopeful. They'd had a few moments together over the last couple of days. Meredith was at least receptive to him, even if she was weirded out over her best friend being left at the altar. He knew she wanted what they had, but a part of her couldn't believe in it, especially after Burke dumped Cristina. With Burke running away, abandoning Cristina without another word, Derek knew all Meredith's abandonment trauma was up.

Meredith approached the main surgical station where Derek leaned, filling out the endless paperwork that was part of the job. She stopped for a minute, just to look at him unobserved. Wow, he was gorgeous in his dark blue scrubs, leaning against the station and laughing with one of the techs. His curly, black hair was salted with a few threads of grey now, after the drowning. His face had a few more stress lines, and she was sorry for that. He looked up and caught sight of her, and in that first unguarded moment all the love he felt for his soul mate beamed out of his warm eyes at her. She was flooded with love and tears popped into her eyes to be hastily blinked away.

"How 'bout I buy my girl dinner?" he asked casually, but inside his gut was clenched. He needed her to say yes. He needed to start deepening their ability to talk to each other and meaningfully share their lives.

"Yes, please. I'm exhausted, Derek. I only managed three hours sleep in the last thirty eight. These interns are driving me crazy! It's not enough that I have so much to learn myself, but now I have this clueless, except George, group to ferry around? Ugh. And George comes with his own set of 'special' problems. What?!" Meredith suddenly demanded when Derek just looked at her grinning, his eyes warm and his head tilted.

"You. You're talking to me. You're bitching about your day and it's to me, not Cristina. I like it," Derek gestured her towards the elevator, "Let's go, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, and I want to sit down. After we eat maybe you and I can find an on-call room to share."

She nodded tiredly. She should have several hours straight to eat and rest. And cuddling with Derek sounded so good.

_Was it as simple as that,_ wondered Meredith. _Was it as simple as griping and saying how she felt about things to Derek on a daily basis, good or bad? Was that what he wanted? It was a start, _she supposed.

Her mother had always told her she wasn't interested in hearing her whine. All of her feelings were whining to Ellis. All her explanations were excuses to Ellis. All her dreams of the future were frivolous pipe dreams to Ellis. Meredith learned not to say much to the authority in her life. Derek was her boyfriend, true. He was also an authority in her life. She'd been treating him on some level with communication the way she'd treated Ellis.

Meredith cautiously told Derek about her interns. Then about her patients and the surgeons she'd worked with the last two days. When they finally had their food from the extra long cafeteria line, Meredith decided to venture into tough areas. He said he wanted it. Now let's see if he could take it. She mentioned Cristina and how hard it had been for her the last two days. She'd buried herself in surgeries and coldness to her interns but she was hurting badly, Meredith could tell. She waited to see what Derek would say, ready to slam the door shut again if he derided her or Cristina the way Ellis would have.

"I'm so sorry that happened to your best friend, Meredith," Derek said, "it's bound to take her a long time to get over, if she ever can fully recover from it. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help, okay?"

A relieved Meredith opened her mouth to respond when something caught her eye over Derek's shoulder. She stared and her face iced over, going blank and smooth. Derek felt the hair rise on the back of his neck at her look. He instinctively wanted to protect her from whatever she was looking at. He turned and scanned the crowd behind him, seeing nothing untoward at first. Then he saw them.

Thatcher Grey was walking across the large expanse of the dining mall. Derek watched the bright, vacuous, little brunette run to meet him, taking the bags he'd brought her.

"Daddy!" she said, all perky, "You shouldn't have."

Of course, it was obvious she didn't mean that. She expected special treatment from her "daddy" and she got it. She took it for granted as the spoiled favorite child. Derek's head instinctively swiveled to check Meredith's face.

She stared, expressionless. She was utterly still and totally silent. That was the other thing. Meredith had spent so much of her life alone, raising herself, without a mother or father, she was used to going deep inside in silence. No one cared to listen to her anyway. Her eyes burned as she watched Thatcher Grey lovingly talk and visit _with his daughter_. The last two times _she'd_ seen him, he'd beaten her – physically, emotionally, and verbally. He'd selfishly concerned himself with himself, not her, as he'd done her whole life.

"Meredith," Derek said softly, "talk to me. I'm listening."

Meredith turned fathomless eyes towards Derek.

"Talk?..." she looked back at her mother's sperm donor, "There's nothing to say."

"You're wrong, Meredith. There's plenty to say. Like how you feel right now. Like how unfair it is. Like what a bastard your father is. What you feel matters to me. You matter to me. You're not alone anymore."

Derek waited for her, far more patiently than he ever had before. She'd held her tongue for so long it was hard to let go. Her eyes widened and Derek looked back at Thatcher and the brunette again. They were actually approaching Derek and Meredith's table.

"You really want me to speak?" she said under her breath to Derek, barely moving her lips.

Derek flinched as her face and voice changed from numb to something very hot and toxic.

"Uh uh," said a voice behind Meredith, "Not again. Grey, you have my word. That man will not touch you again. Not in front of me."

Dr. Bailey stepped in front of her erstwhile intern, ready to go to war. She'd never forget the shocking, vicious slap Thatcher Grey had given his daughter. Derek stood up as well, fist clenching.

A hand touched Meredith's arm. It was thin, yet extremely capable.

"Meredith, we can leave now. You don't have to do this," Cristina said from the chair next to Mer's.

"Everyone tells me how avoidy I am, Cristina. I do have to do this," Meredith never took her eyes off the scene in front of her.

"Baby Spice, there, missed repeated pages last night," Cristina said, "I had to cover for her. No one could find her, not even the other interns. She got a solid six or seven hours of sleep before she showed up. I've had Baby on vomit bucket brigade and rectal exams for the last twelve hours. We had to put all that sleep to good use, didn't we?"

Baby Spice was pouting and throwing a tiny, cute little tantrum on her daddy. She determinedly kept walking toward Meredith with her marshmallow daddy dithering behind her, tugging on her arm and trying to get her to stop. Watching them, the low burn that Baby (the girl in the bar?!) had been throwing fuel on for two days, with her idiotic, clueless pop ups, flared higher. Derek's poking at how she felt, trying to get her feelings to turn into words, acted as a bellows blowing oxygen on a banked fire, forcing it to burst into bright, hot flames from glowing coals. Meredith's anger at recent events opened the door to the banked rage of twenty eight years. It licked at her insides and made her world flame red.

"Meredith Grey is my sister," said Baby Spice.

"No, she's not. She's dead to me, like your mother. Stay away from her. You!" Thatcher loudly quavered at Meredith, "Stay away from my daughter. I told you, I didn't want you working in this place, Lexie. Your mother died here and _she_ killed her."

Thatcher Grey's face was ugly and red. His weak chin trembled and his grey hair was mussed all over his head. He paced sideways hesitantly.

"Dad! That's not true. I've seen the medical and autopsy reports. I am a doctor, Dad, I know the truth. Mom wanted me to work here. She wanted me to get to know Meredith. She was just trying to get closer to Meredith before she told her that I was interning here. She wanted our family to be together."

Lexie Grey spoke firmly to her dad like a young parent disciplining a child. Thatcher huffed and puffed ineffectually. He finally stumbled away, rather than come closer to Meredith, the coward.

"Meredith, I'm sorry. Look, I know you must feel badly over how Dad's treated you, but Mom had just died. You get that, right?"

Meredith stared at Lexie silently. Cristina couldn't believe Cindy's sheer gall. Derek moved closer to Meredith.

Lexie, uncomfortable with the silence and the quality of the stares said unthinkingly again, "I know how you feel..."

Meredith's composure snapped. Lexie Grey knew how she felt... ?! A year of pain and grief and trauma erupted like lava from a volcano. Over twenty years of rage bubbled in her words.

"You know how I feel?!" Meredith laughed without humor in the ditz's face, "_You_... know how _I_ feel? Did you hear that Cristina, Lexie Grey says she knows how I feel."

"Minnie Mouse doesn't know how to tie her own shoe laces yet, Mer," said Cristina bitterly.

Derek went to intervene, but Dr. Bailey's hand on his arm stopped him. Grey was erupting and in her opinion, it was high time. Everyone had wanted the girl to talk, now they had to listen, especially Shepherd.

"That is such a joke. So you've experienced your lying boyfriend's wife introducing herself to you? How about five months of watching your so called soul mate kiss another woman? You've felt the depression, the hopelessness, the sadness?"

Meredith turned on Derek, "You want to know how that feels, Derek? On a scale of one to ten it crushed me to a twelve! That's how it feels. You called me a whore and never apologized, not once! It made me feel like a whore to have you call me that, that's how it felt."

She turned back on Lexie Grey, livid.

"How about never having a father when it counted. Endless holidays alone. Forgotten birthdays, graduations, milestones. Where was he! Damn it! To find out he gave all that to other daughters but never to me. How do you think that feels? Demoralizing? Painful? Envious? I graduated high school, college, and medical school alone. Not one person there. How about you?! Do you really think you can put yourself in my shoes?!

"How about your father slapping you across the face publicly in front of your boyfriend and bosses? How about blaming you for his wife's death? Leaving you when you were five and never bothering to show up again for the next twenty two years? No?! Then just be quiet, bubble brain!

"I died, you idiot! I died, along with my mommy and my fake mommy, all in the same month. I watched my friend die with her fiance and another friend die with his dad. I watched my best friend die at the altar on what should have been the happiest day of her life! You tell me bubble brain, how does that feel? No?! Drowning is an incredibly painful way to die. No matter what I did it wasn't enough. Just like for my mother and my father my whole life. Just like for Derek. I'll probably never be good enough, no matter what."

Lexie's cheeks were ashen, and she stood there under the barrage with her mouth open.

Meredith turned on Derek, "Is this what you wanted? This?!" she almost shouted, "Do you really want to know how I feel? I feel lousy! God, it hurt, it all HURT! Is that what you want? Is it?"

Meredith rapid fire switched to Lexie again with a violent glint in her eye.

"You have it all. My life. A mother and father who loved you, were there for you, supported you. My father, my love, my support. You even have my career. Did you have to have my hospital and my boyfriend too?! I'm supposed to be okay with you flirting in a bar with my boyfriend? I'm supposed to be okay and professional with you here?! You've taken everything, but it doesn't seem to be enough for you. You want more.

"I'll say this just once more to you. I don't know you. This woman here beside me, she's my sister, not you. Leave me alone. Stay away from Derek, or I promise you, there won't be a hair left on your head. I'm not giving him up to another woman again.

"You hear me, Derek! You're mine. I'm yours. That's how I feel!"

Meredith stood there trembling, wound down, shocked, staring into Derek's dark blue eyes. Lexie Grey turned tail, unable to face the burning lava she'd invoked. She sped away as fast as she could.

"Well, it's about time, Grey. Good for you," Dr. Bailey picked up her lab coat and slung it on, "Now you know," she said smugly to Shepherd.


	15. Chapter 15

**First Day, Second Year: Meredith and Derek**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**_

**I Know How You Feel**

**Epilogue**

Meredith and Derek lay spooned in an on call bed together. The door was locked against intruders. Derek gently pulled the thin blanket, the hospital grudgingly supplied its staff, over Meredith's shoulders. She was still having occasional aftershock quakes through her system. She was quiet again and emptied, as if the emotional boil really had been lanced.

"I love you, Meredith," Derek whispered to her, "We're together. I promise you, I'm changing. I want to be a better man for you. I am so sorry for everything I put you through before. I'm so sorry I called you a whore. I was jealous and stupid and trying to hurt you like I hurt."

Meredith turned in his arms at that, facing him and cuddling close.

"I'm sorry I drowned, Derek. You were right. I gave up, when I shouldn't have. I fought so hard to get back to you after that, please believe me. I love you. I want more than a whiff of you. Help me believe in us again, Derek. Help me believe in happily ever after."

Derek promised her by kissing her sweetly on the lips.

"I will."

_**Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. It was a catharsis to get all this off my chest. I hope it was for you too. For Merek fans, here's hoping the writers of GA, over the summer, have learned how to write a couple in love. For Burktina fans, I grieve for Cristina right along with you. For Izzie fans, maybe the writers can actually write her sane for a season. For Alex and Mark fans, an actual storyline would be nice this year. It could happen. And for George/Callie fans, maybe the writers will let them grow up and be a real married couple. Bailey fans – no need to worry, she's Dr. Bailey. The Chief? In a brave new world, maybe he'll stop giving Derek bad advice.**_


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